Then she left for school and I began talking with Ash about her running for student government...she has worked so hard at running for student council and making it and then deciding to run for V.P. and getting her poster together and this morning she tells me she's not going to run because she might lose...What? I almost lost it...I couldn't understand, but then she told me that Breanne, one of her best friends, decided to run for V.P. also and she didn't want this to hurt their friendship...we talked and I said I would support her either way, but what an experience this would be whether she wins or loses...to me, she's a winner for even trying. She decided to continue to run and I'm so proud of her!
Then a little meltdown for Colt as he practiced the piano. He was upset when he couldn't figure out the song (because he wasn't on middle C) but that's when he began to tell me that middle C changes for every song...What? So, after getting Ashlyn to explain to him (because I don't know anything!) that middle C is always middle C, he finally calmed down. As the kids walked out the door and I was making Wyatt's bed I said out loud "Satan, you won this morning...you won!!" and I cried for a long time that morning on Wyatt's bed! I don't know what to do. I try not to be argumentative with my kids, I try not to get mad, but lately I do and I don't like it at all.So, it's been exactly a month from this journal entry...I never posted this, but reading it again I can still feel those feelings I felt that day...that was a hard day. But it's great to be a few weeks out from that experience and to see how I've grown, but more importantly to see other people were answers to my prayers that day and those few days following. That next day, my sweet friend, Carrie called and told me about a beautiful book she had just read and couldn't put down (and she's not a reader). It's called 'Defined By Christ'.
She finished the book and went back to buy 18 copies...enough for her sisters, mom and friends and I was lucky enough to be one of her friends she gave a copy to. I began reading it that day and finished within a few days. It's an easy read, but I read it slowly so I wouldn't miss anything, looking up lots of talks referenced in the book...I really just wanted to soak it all in and not miss anything. It has changed my life and I've bought copies for other friends that needed to read it, too. What a great opportunity we have to be answers to prayers for our friends and neighbors.
Looking back on that morning when I told Satan he had won...now I know that never again will I say that. I know that I will have tough times and times that I doubt my abilities as a mother, but I know I can always turn to my Heavenly Father and he will always love me perfectly. From the book I began to understand that He isn't discouraged with me, or frustrated with me, that He never thinks I'm inadequate, but He is always patient and loving, always yearning for me to come to Him...those feelings of frustration, anger and discouragement or doubt are not feelings that He, as someone who is perfect feels...those feelings come from the adversary...they are totally contrary to the feelings our Heavenly Father always feels for us. I loved learning that and really coming to understand that.
Things are better now...it's all a learning process, and I'm learning to let my kids grow up...gosh, it's hard, but it's also so rewarding to see the good they choose.
